hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
