So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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