If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
So apparently I’m into choking now
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
