I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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