Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
