I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
