life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
