I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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