does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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