i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
