There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
