Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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