are you so shy because you have an std?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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