either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize