well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize