hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
