how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
