I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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