Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
