Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
