My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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