Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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