haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
