the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
