i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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