Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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