Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
