Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
