just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
