you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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