All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
