Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
