i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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