Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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