saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
