If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
