Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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