I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
