My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
