Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
