mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Randomize
