life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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