life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
