The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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