I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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