Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
