and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
