Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
