My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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