I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
