Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
