it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You've changed since you got that strap on
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I know her cup size but not her name....
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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