Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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