The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
