I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
