Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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