Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
