Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
