You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
