she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
