i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
