I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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