brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
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